Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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