Got a toothbrush?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
