Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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