yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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