They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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