I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
