Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
