I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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