Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
