I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You ruined the universe
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
