she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
