I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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