Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
