It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
