i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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