I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
