If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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