I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
