I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
