just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
