I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
