Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
