Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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