He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
