I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
