But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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