i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
