oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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