i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
