There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
