im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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