Your mouth is God's brothel.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
