The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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