I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
