what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
