Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
