Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
