like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
