One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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