she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
