She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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