My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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