11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
