His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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