he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
