why do cheetos always look like penises
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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