And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
