god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
