he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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