Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
