you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
