dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
