i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
