Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
